Well Springs Within..©

I am currently re-reading ‘The Gift Of Our Compulsions’ by Mary O’Malley. In a nutshell the book encourages us to see our compulsions as Gifts; gifts because if we can stay still enough to understand them, we would find that at the heart and bottom of compulsion is a deep Wellspring waiting to fulfil and nourish us as no external thing ever truly can. No compulsion can give us the relief that we deep down need; nor even the relief we initially experienced when we first engaged in the compulsive behaviour. And it is this very inability that makes the activity compulsive as it can never reach the underlying legitimate need.

Finding relief in compulsions is a bit like expecting eating a banana to quench your thirst when it is a drink that the body needs: the banana quenching your thirst is never going to happen. Indeed, the only thing the banana can do is temporarily distract you from how thirsty you are. You can’t fool the body, though we can spend our whole lifetime trying. The body knows what it needs and will come back to get it. The body is well equipped at doing its job, and is as equally committed. And its job? Keeping us well and strong, across the board. We give the body very little credit for this. Both we and the world very easily turn the body into ‘enemy’ then go on to treat it pretty badly, like it’s a robot without feeling and need.

In Mary O’Malley’s book we are also encouraged to not only change the way we view compulsions, but also to change the way we relate to them,  bringing the light of much needed  understanding and compassion to them, seen as they initially came into being to help us deal with and manage some great big difficult something. So there’s a way in which compulsions could be more readily resolved simply by seeing compulsions as more friend than foe- a treatment that also takes the sting out of them.

Compulsions come to go, being set up to serve us at one time, not for all our lifetime. The process of allowing them to pass is not an easy one considering the condition of compulsion’s ferocious and desolate heart. Not easy, though possible.

Compulsive behaviours are all kinds of addictions, like gambling, alcohol & substance misuse, compulsive eating – and all other forms of eating disorders; overworking, keeping busy, surfing the net, social media, shopping,  gambling, pornography, gaming: the list is exhaustive.

In the book the author offers many simple suggestions and exercises. The exercise I will share here with you is her idea of keeping a self-awareness diary.

A self-awareness diary.

Get yourself a diary and divide the page into 3 columns. At the top of the first column write: What is taking place now? In the second column write: what is happening with my compulsion, and on the top of the third column write: What am I experiencing inside?

My compulsive behaviour (of choice) from my early teens to mid-twenties was comforting eating which developed into Bulimia. My healing journey began when I went into therapy for the eating disorder. Currently I am not bulimic and do not compulsively eat so much. What I can still do is emotionally eat, sometimes eating foods that have no real nutritional content and value, but in the moment attempts to rescue me from difficult situations and feelings- and/or compensating myself for doing too much at the expense of my own life energy.

This feeling of too much comes up often in my demanding job, as well as being within a role that is one also of emotionally giving out: emotionally giving out and therapeutically holding survivors of traumatising domestic violence. Outside of work, I also have a couple of other challenges on my plate that takes from me in similar ways.

It is a testimony of how far I have come in my general healing journey, as well as in my  recovery from disordered eating, that I have not fallen back into bulimia’s misguided & crippling embrace, because currently (and ongoing for a good few years now) there is good enough reason to fall back into struggles with food. In the old eating disorder days I would have binged and purged for much less. Anyway, with the current, on occasion, emotional eating I sometimes engage in, overall- and if I do say so myself, I have a good handle on it. However, this past week at work my self-awareness diary entry would have gone like this:

First column: The Situation- the pressures of work, especially after working with a highly anxious and traumatised client.

Second column: After meeting with this client I notice the need for something sweet, reassuring, and rewarding; I felt an ancient hungering and need for compensation. Indeed, an absent colleague had left a packet of sweet oat biscuits on her desk right beside me, and I felt those biscuits taunting me with it wiles and  false promises of comforting “there, there, there”😊 Within the light of self-awareness, I consciously felt- and in so doing, released- the temptation to emotionally eat. I am now more able to sit with compulsion without, in reactivity, and immediately, taking the decision to act on it.

Third column: I can sit with the feeling of emotional drain, coupled with the feelings of tired and overwhelm, feelings already in the counselling room belonging to the client and being experienced by me in counter-transference. Similar feelings I am also currently experiencing in my own ongoing and challenging life situations. I can now sit with these feeling states, as well as with the ‘sucked dry’ bodily sensation of exhausted inner tensions.

And being, like I have already mentioned, well on the recovery road, I can tolerate and contain that kind of internal angst, and delay- and/or not engage, those inner compulsive drives in a way I never could at the beginning of giving bulimia up. I know that these difficult and painful feeling states can and do pass and I am now more familiar with the felt experience of their transmutation. So I no longer stand in Process’ way because the reward and relief gained from this level of self-acceptance feeds and sustains me better than compulsively acting out ever did, or ever could.

I am currently re-reading this book because I am feeling challenged on a number of fronts and I want to ensure that compulsion don’t try to sneak in through internal, unconscious, back doors. I want to keep that bolt on, as my suffering does not need, or deserve, more suffering added on!

And in regards to self-care, I do all those mind body spiritual things to keep me well- exercise, meditation, healthier eating, living more in the moment and having greater self-appreciation and Presence. I have also taken to, these past 6 weeks, gifting myself with a ‘PJ- stay in bed all day- Saturdays.‘ Even this is an achievement in and off itself as another one of my compulsions has been ‘overdoing and busy.’ Initially I had found taking this particular monkey off my back, and simply being and relaxing, painstakingly angst-filled and mind-numbingly boring. Now that “Insperience’ too has been mostly transformed.

All is a Process and takes time. It’s taken me 33 years to be where I am, as well as to more fully realise that The Nourishment and The Joy is in the journey itself, not the destination. So try not to worry yourself too much, because as such, we already have all the time in the world that we need and don’t have to wait ‘until’ some future date to truly In Joy our lives and Being. To quote the author,

“I am not offering you a cure. that is the old style of thinking in which your healing happens sometime in the future. This process is about inviting you into relationship with what is right now, (difficult or otherwise), for that is where true healing lies.”

So, for those of you reading this blog and being not too long on Transformative Road, try keeping a self-awareness diary and see the lessons and wisdom it draws to you. Keep the diary somewhere you can make notes of what is happening both inside your body and out, throughout the day. For example, if your compulsion is with eating, keep the diary on the table in the kitchen. This exercise- and all good attention given to ourselves in this more compassionate & curious way, is exactly what is needed in the  very moment we reach for  our particular compulsions.

Much like a child reaching to be picked up by her mummy and be given ‘lap-time,’ which probably was the kind of thing that was missing and/or lacking when compulsion first entered the picture, just like that mother we need to reach down in those moments, pick ourselves up, and respond to our needs in more loving & appropriate self-soothing ways.

Indeed, think about that day when you first engaged the now problem behaviour… What did you really need at that time? What were you hoping the behaviour could give you…that you wasn’t getting? Is the penny dropping…?

Nothing has changed in the sense that these unmet needs are still t/here, in need of the right attention and care. And when you start giving attention to yourself in this more self-caring way, the self-awareness diary will help to shed light on the things in your life causing ongoing unhappiness and struggle. And in bringing all what ails you to attention, we are then called to do what needs being done to remedy the situation…even if that is simple acceptance: Acceptance of the truth of how situations in our lives currently are …

Discovering new ways to better change and lovingly  rock & hold, those things in our lives that make us truly uncomfortable.

And as we do so, may we live more assuredly In Peace, as we walk, more reassured, to the land of our- Sweet with Milk & Honey, Dreams..

Peace & Love,

Light..

 

 

The Word

I don’t abuse Words,
or misuse Words; I use Words to
show and tell the truth of my being
and feelings- my Words are revealing,
sacred even, because in the beginning there was,
The Word.

And now, the pleasure it brings,
and how my soul sings to share
meaningful Holy Communication with you-
another who is true and uses Word Power to
inspire righteous truth.

So, let’s get down to some good conversating
and together incarnate The Spaces wherein
our Words rings true, and reawakens
the innermost recess of you, me, us, we,
and in our resurrected rediscovery let’s create
anew, by speaking affirmative Words into,

the Deeds we do, the Words we use,
the Thoughts that are pure, and all the more
re-presents you, fore as a people and a species
we have Nuff Work to do.

Peace & Love,

Light..

Road…

Sometimes, when you hit a Cross

Road… a Hard Road,

And have been on Road

Quite a while..

Sometimes,

You gotta Come Off Road,

Go Self- Explore…

Innerstand…Re-Direct Your Course.

I know, I’ve done so.

You Have To Do Some Big-

At First Scary- Ting,

At those Places;

Or, forever remain,

Loss to Self In Our World…

In this Cra Cra Wise & Wonder Full World.

Lost in Our Stories…then,

The Grave. Change!

The One Life To Live

On The One Road Called Life…

So, what’s Your Pleasure?

What’s Your Adventure?

Permission Granted, if needed,

To Please Your Good Self..

And Live…

Your LionHearted Tale;

Your Magnificent Myth-

Irrespective of what goes on in This world We Together Live,

Move & Have Our Being.

Peace & Love,

Light..

Broken history

Broken history, whether that’s our story, personal and collective..

Once there has been a life shaping interruption that caused us to come off-course, for mere survival, at some point, for mere survival again, we going to need to get back on track and proceed in our stories, nevertheless..

Making them pleasing, healing and restorative. And we don’t give others the pen, as they don’t know our stories, and record them, like we do.

I look forward to the day where in the collective, young minds will be told stories, through the subject of History, that is not broken and loaded with untruths, so they may truly know themselves, in the personal & collective,

and LIVE-

Live their Best Life Experience Possible…and not be twice defeated, in someone else’s personal unhealed collective discriminative narrative.

Peace & Love,

Light..

SELF-LOVE IS CRITICAL

The Personal Is Political

As Marcus Garvey said, without CONFIDENCE the black child/adult is twice defeated in the race of life. It is a political act raising confident black children, and in so doing, counteracting Internalised Racism, the kind brought to attention in the infamous “black doll white doll” experiment. The black doll white doll experiment, first carried out in 1940’s, still yields similar results today. See the YouTube video at the end of this blog.

By the time both black and white children reach age 3, racism-especially in the cementation of the black child/adult self-hatred and the white child/ adult white superiority complex- have settled into un/consciousness for the night, but does not have to be so for life/times.

In my book, Back to love, released early this year, as part of my psychological healing, I write about how I suffiently undone my own systematic internalised racism, and in so doing, afforded myself a more real, true and complete recovery, one that blew me way out of “statistic” into the land of sweet milk & honey. I got back in the race and am running it pretty well with lots of Self-Confidence today!

Ain’t no stopping me now! Which reminds me of that McFadden & Whitehead tune: Ain’t No Stopping Us Now. Love it (smiles).

There is still that little 3-year-old and 11-year-old girl inside me who swallowed wholesale what the world told her she was and the inferior place she should occupy in the world. But I continue to nurture & nourish her Well, feeding her thoughts of How Great Thou Are…Thou Art… The same Nourishment I fed my sons and I feed all my relations, and counselling clients.

Like already mentioned- and to me, obviously, white children are also impacted by internalised racism, which psychologically hurts them as well, as most human beings, in their right minds knows, no race is superior to others. Fact. The perpetrated miseducation of white supremacy can be relatively dismantled, especially in education, and most definitely in the home, where it first takes Impressionable Hold. The human being’s first society is The Family/Home…remember, in the experiment these children were only 3 years old..

To well-meaning white folks, do not dwell in guilt for long, especially if you are not actively and consciously doing wrong. Guilt is there to change behaviour and keep us Morally Well. Our Consciences-our Internal High Court House, pushes through feelings of guilt to keep human beings in check. Though human beings, even as children, have a natural conscience, when it comes to the indoctrination of internalised racism, conscience is thrown out of balance, and working order.

As babies we arrive into a broken world & its systems. On the macroscopic scale the system- a friend of mines calls the shitstem, is still in desperate need of healing & recovery itself. Let yourself Face & Feel the guilt of the good feelings derived from feeling/being privileged…you did not first make that a thing, but you can release that now and come back down on more equal footing & ground, and in so doing, keep Progress and Personal & Collective Growth Moving…You can’t have one foot in and the other out, depending on circumstance; depending on when push comes to shove.

The Pandemic is here to Wake Up…don’t fall back into an ignorance that is only bliss in the land of privilege. Also, please allow black folks to talk as long as they need to feel heard & have the ongoing pain & present day hurt acknowledged : that’s how trauma is healed. Being Pro-black does not mean being anti-white. I’m tired of feeling I have to state this matter of fact.

WE ARE OUR BROTHER & SISTERS KEEPERS. We cannot Progress without LIVING THIS HUMANE ACT… Neither can Planet Earth…simple mathematics…not rocket science.

The Totally Unsubstantiated White Supremacy Myth- which some have argued, and I agree, to be a malignant addiction, is a fallacy. White supremacy is a malignant addiction to a false high: to a self-esteem fix, a fix that tries to assuage the racist’s largely unconscious & deep-seated feelings of Inferiority. It is therapy that the racist belief system needs, not the blood sweat and tears of black folks. Building self-esteem off scapegoated black folks to feel good about themselves and gain some meaning & purpose in their confused & twisted unhappy inner world, I believe, is on its last legs. The Racist’s blatant inhumanity to hueman stands in the way of said Progress. Life moves forwards, not backwards.

I believe racism is 100 Percent a Personality Disorder & one day it- and all deviant acts arising out of the delusion that it is- will be classified on the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM).

Racism, to my mind, is a derisive and divisive dis-Order of mind and just like an out of control aggressive cancer, rips and tears a-part: turns the human organism upon and against itself. In the Western World, that cancer, that is racism, has been infecting societal institutions for long enough. It is time to cut it out: and it is time to cut out pretending that you/we don’t see it. Time to rock that boat! The time is undeniable Now.

Life, in its true essence & by its very nature, is benevolent, not malignant; is Unifying, not dividing. It does not have hatred in its body & make-up. And we have been made in that Imagine & Likeness, should we humans work daily to keep Real-EyesIn. As Rumi puts it beautifully:

You Are Not A Drop In The Ocean. You Are The Entire Ocean In A Drop..

OUT OF ONE, MANY.

May we stop selling ourselves short..

https://theconversation.com/what-i-learned-when-i-recreated-the-famous-doll-test-that-looked-at-how-black-kids-see-race-153780

Peace & Love,

Light..

Sweet Alchemy

#livingthelifeimagined #tribevibes#fringedwellers
#findingonespack#dreambutstaywoke

Greetings One & All. A while ago I created a Secret Facebook Group for Black Men & Women Inspiring Creators…for Dream-makers, for fringe dwellers, for the natural empaths, the sensitives; for those of us with a dream & no positive “cheering sections” in our lives to help hold that Dream, and bring it to fruition. Here is the invite, if you would like to join this Pack, Your Pack, and get the support Inspiration & encouragemnet needed to make dreams a reality, and live your best Life Experience Possible. I am developing this Safe Space slowly but surely…I am a Great Believer that Good & Great things happens organically, intuitively- never forcefully. Email me if you are interested in joining this  Creative Alchemical Space.

andstillirise9@outlook.com

Peace & Love,

Light🔥🧡

A Smile’s Light..

A Smile lights Up from Inside, and from there sets you Alight..

…You choose the What..of which YOU Desire.

This Lit Light happily remains & Delights when The One True Desire for you Is, Right…

to do right to live right to love right…not just as you solely desire…

So go figure…and reconfigure…

and let this human species Come Again…and together,

Do Bloody BETTER!

Peace & Love,
Light..

Just saying

Yes, some call it becoming an adult. The ancients calls it initiation. Whatever you call it, adults needs to be Woke. We meant to have independence of thought. We need to go out too on that independence limb sometimes, to truly call ourselves grown. The world, the earth, needs us to wake up: wake up and get back on “ancestral track…” It’s Now 0 Clock…

Just saying, we need to be grown & woke, especially to take the blinkers off and meet this world we live in face to face, and chose “things needs to be different.”

Difference mostly meaning more humane, more righteous- so much of the world is so totally wrong..

Not that it’s all bad; more people are waking up, I can feel the build of that Critical Mass..

But daily, we need to keep that focus…ESPECIALLY coming out of the nightmare that was Covid, that had many lessons to teach us, grown ups…the kind of growing up that separates us from animals…otherwise we more animal then grown ups…watch the same ole same ole news…there’s NOTHING NEW about it! Same news; same same ole wounds and lessons unlearned- calling for us to REALLY learn, from personal & collective Experience.

Just saying…The future needs that/us…the children needs that/us…We need to stop handing back down to the youths the same ole same ole shitty batons, expecting them to clean up, our mess…

Just saying..

Peace & Love,

Light…

To The Max

Living Life to the fullest, however I find myself, means, at this time, fully embracing existential angst & trauma triggers.

That reminder helped me just now to feel, even at a low, that Life remains good, and needs no fixing- just embracing & accepting, knowing Life has its seasons..

So I don’t have to Positive away my blues today. This too shall pass, so gotta ride this emotional storm out, and trust Daybreak – in Her Clarifying Steadfastness, to bring me back to Bliss..

The Ground on which my one true Spirit lives…in its Naturalness…So, I hold to This, as an infant in need of nourishment holds to its mother’s breast, hoping to be fed, on its way to rest…

One of my favourite quote says, “A heart that has learned to trust can be at rest in the world.”

Past trauma/triggers can have you, for mere survival (back then), believing this world cannot be trusted, so it’s best not to relax and let your guard down..

Turning mistrust around has been some kinda Journey; nevertheless, a Journey I remain on, and remain 💯 committed to. Love help/s me..

Peace & Love,

Light..