Quiet, that’s what they called me whilst coming up. Quiet and shy with an ever ready plastered on smile-from the outside. Inside, I was quietly terrified; terrified of being laughed at and/or assaulted by ever ready crashing words; by violating hands..
Quiet I was and quiet I got, until in the end I almost became invisible-one less problem to be dealt with…
I got praises for that: for being the ‘Good’ ‘Quiet’ one.
I got so good at being quiet, that even when I needed to tell, I couldn’t; I couldn’t find the words. They were nowhere to be found.
I suffered in silence…
A godsend to my abusers, who I thought at first were being nice to me; giving me much needed attention, realising I had needs to be taken care of..
EVERYTHING became so mixed up; so inside out.
And I grew up, left childhood, feeling I was never raised, but drowned instead; feeling tricked and cheated, yet expected to get on with it-with the business of being adult, when all I felt inside was little, pretending to be big and unaffected by all that had passed. I guess sooner or later the shit was going to hit the fan.
It blows my mind that people don’t get this, aren’t able, willing, to do the simple mathematics. It’s either I’m going to take the unfinished business of childhood out on me, and/or somebody else, either way recreating and repeating the history of pain.
But the buck stopped with me-and not accidentally, but by choice. By a choice I made when I became a mother, therefore automatically a teacher. Back then I promised myself to make a difference..
A promise that continues to date, as well as to be lifelong work, as the damage done was deeply set and undoing it initially felt like I was hurting myself.
But it has been words that have saved me; searching for them and sharing them in therapy, through journaling, poems, and writing my life story, hoping one day it will be published.
I love words, they help me to have a say-to have MY say. To not be quiet about the things that like cancer untreated kills; kills individuals, families, communities, societies and nations.
We are all affected by injustice, wherever it is taking place. It blows my mind that people don’t get this also, and feign shock, horror, surprise when we read about another mindless killing of innocent victims in the papers..
But there is a relationship between past and present; between cause and effect; there is no denying this. A seed is sown to avenge, and/or revenge when someone has been done wrong: it has to be worked out somehow and try to be undone.
So as long as I am here, I will have my say, in the hope that somewhere those once silenced words, that quiet storm that I was, will make a difference, like a pebble thrown into a pond makes ripples..
It is also my hope that the little difference I can make will go a very long way, for the greater good. That’s how I choose to work my unfinished business out, and in so doing sing the particular truth song that I believe my soul came to this Earthplane to share, sing, and have heard.
Peace & Love,