My life, at this time- as well as on and off all-around, is being crowned, like the crowning a new baby’s head does during the most painful part of giving birth. Being a mother of 2 who have had natural births, I can say that in my life to date, there is no pain like it. This past 18 months in particular right through to this current date I have had to face-and have been knocked up by- some huge life events, the kinds one does not see coming. The only time I am not too bothered by the traumas I have experienced throughout my childhood, is when I am facing life events such as these. During those moments-and having gained much emotional and psychological recovery these past 31 years, I am able to be present in the heart of the situation, like the calm eye at the centre of a storm.
In that quiet I am able to See The Crossroads; I am able to see clearly the choices that lies in front of me: do I give into despair and allow myself to be totally overcome by the situation at hand, or do I choose to use that Holy Instant to reaffirm my truth, strengthen my capabilities, and put to work my faith? Do I put my money where my mouth is from all the life lessons and healing I have acquired to date? For me now, that is a no brainer, though I do feel the temptation to lose myself in victim, as I did as a child not having the mental, emotional, cognitive capacity and life experience not to do so. Then I had to go into unconscious survivor mode.
Presently, in that Holy Instant moment when unconscious survival mode beckons as option, I can also hear my mother’s lamentations of “Why Me’s!?!” Why did bad things always happen to her; that life is just no good, just a dangerous menacing unfair place that likes to target her in particular. Within all that quiet and the echoes of adult voices past, I am able to remain awake and use the manure of the shitty situation to improve myself- and reaffirm my faith.
To reaffirm my faith in a basic goodness in life that mostly wants good for my life, us being in Like-kind. My trust and faith in the intrinsic goodness of Life reminds me that bad things happens to people and I am not exempt from that human condition. I am humble enough to know that I am not so special that bad things ought not to happen to me, but to them other there…maybe. I am not to take it personally, though the irony is, it is experienced as such.
Being human, the impact of the various life events does shake me and take a toll, though not for long, as the older I get I know that I will have to take some kind of time out and give myself some tender loving self care- and open myself out to receiving that from trusted others. I am knowing that all that has happened to me these past 18 months in particular, is the crowning effect, as in the midst of it I am bearing much precious fruits. Indeed, these past 4 years my creative juices have distinctly been set to overflow, using as grist for the mill all my joys and pains so I may become even more of my good self.
And in that flow, I naturally turn and happily share my findings, being there for others in their deserts, offering encouragement. This is where I feel most alive, where I feel such generosity of heart, and appreciation of myself, my life, and all that I have. In spite of it all, as Charlie Wilson sang, “I’m blessed, I’m Blessed, I’m blessed.”
Peace & Love,