I wrote this a couple of years ago. I am much less a stranger in my body these days; still very much a work in progress though, and will always be life’s work for me and for the acquisition of a more happy heart. As a quote reminds:
“A heart that has learned to rest can be at peace in the world.”
I want that peace in my inner- out world. To me, a very worthy Cause.
Home is where the Heart Is
I became s stranger in my body quite early on. And when life got really bad, I came to see my body as ‘enemy,’ especially when it wouldn’t listen to me and not feel. Things became very mixed up real quick.
Now as an adult I’m trying to turn that around- but it is so hard. It’s like an untrained person having to completely pull down an old house, and build it back up with new materials; doing all the re-wiring, learning all by trail and error. Causing a few explosions here and there; fearing you are going to die, at times; fighting fatigued, but never giving up because you have come too far and you need light for the dark so you don’t have to live anymore in so much fear. This is what the process of feeling more at home in my body has come to be like for me.
Trying to see my body as ‘friendly’ is ongoing work. I am still very much at the rewiring stage, and I am learning to accept that this might be lifelong work. And what makes it all such a huge mountain to climb, the faulty wiring got done during my most formative and impressionable years, with no loving, protecting, nurturing adult to oversee and ensure the right wiring was in place.
So now, as an adult when I try to turn it all back around, all alarm bells goes off thinking I am being broken into-that I am in actual danger; that my body, my feelings, my sensations are out of control and is working against me. When all that is happening, is that I am feeling what it feels like to feel alive; to be fully human and present.
So many of us, like I once was, is like the living dead, usually after having had to make that particular bed, which mounted to silencing ourselves. And like a silencer on a gun, we may not know what we have done earlier on. It is a silent killing. Nobody around us notices. More often than not, like it was for me, you may have got praises for it. You may have been called ‘good,’ ‘quiet,’ ‘shy,’ ‘polite;’ ‘wouldn’t hurt a fly.’
Lively, independent thinking children and adults can be seen as a problem to the ‘social order.’ As I at times perceive my lively body, and how my anxiety has risen since I am living more fully in it-still at times a stranger to myself, and at other unexpected times, love of my life. Self love is a beautiful thing; I am coming to know and feel that, which makes all the hard work worth it.
So I will work on my castle of love for as long as is needed, creating new beginnings and finishing unlike my life started. This, to myself, I promise, because just like a house is not a home without love in it, I cannot feel at home in my body without being in it: home is where the heart is.
Peace & Love,