Presence In Absence…©

“In your absence is your presence,” (Jean Klein)

I found the above quote on Facebook this week and it really resonated with me, especially in regard to the challenge of quietening my mind, and giving it/I the Space to recline and take that much needed time out of mind. Sometimes it is genuinely hard cultivating this mindset- this mind-centred-set, if you like. At times I am aware of my choosing to stand in my own way by wanting to seek refuge in my mind in the old ways. I can feel that reluctant part of me wanting to cling to old habits and another part of me wondering if I should intervene, or not, even in light of my wanting more Peace of mind and clarity in thought.

The good news is, in the midst of all this, and my observance of it, there is that potent Creative Space; there is this Pause, this Gap, where one can make life-changing decisions, what with this Space being filled with the rich pickings of possibilities.

Even if in that moment the unconscious wins out, there is this Space Being Created where the light of consciousness is beginning to have more Presence and cover more ground: the beginning of the end of the old ways is at hand. When there is more Presence, there is such Peace & Quiet; like the sun finally breaking through on an initially grey and cloudy day, and the welcomed warmth the sunshine brings, that feels so wonderful on the skin- on one’s very Being.

And out of that clear blue sunny sky come the Awesome Thoughts belonging more to Divine Mind- if you have ever experienced that, and/or believe in such a concept. This is the Place where insights and inspiration seems to come ‘out of the blue/ethereal’ (out of the forever real). I think most of us has had this experience, this reveal-a-tion, at some point in our lives…

Take a moment…have you ever had one of those moments when your mind emptied-out and you heard/felt/saw something new, however fleeting, which could not have made its Presence felt without your being absent-minded in this way? Without your being all-taken-up-in-thought and its mostly repetitive contents…? Creatives/Artists/Survivors-becoming-thrivers  pay particular attention to these moments and attempts to capture and record them, as I am doing here, in my blogging.

Sometimes we are so attached to our thoughts to the extent that we believe every single thing we think, without even thinking to check our thoughts out against reality. Sometimes we are so attached to our thoughts that we don’t let anything new in, or out: we don’t open the curtain of the closed mind and let in a little sunshine.

Most of the great and advancing ideas that have brought amazing things into existence in this world have come out of this absence of being so full of ourselves, the world, and its contents. I believe that some of us are more temperamentally designed to have easier access and privy to this In-Tuition. We can all learn to cultivate and fine tune this Gift, as human beings we have that capacity- dare we give it the attention it needs to develop and grow. Many are called, but few choose to listen…few choose to In-tuit..

For example, some of you are going to totally get what I am trying to say here and others are going to think I am speaking total gobbledygook, and that is okay. Maybe I am-who is truly to say; who can truly have the last word on these things…

All I know is all I know, and all I know, I know through my experiences and the wisdom that has come out of those experiences as I attempt to make good on a deep desire to remain awake, live to potential, and have the best life experience humanly possible. This desire drives my life, which reminds me of the following quote,

 “You are what your deep, driving desire is. As your desire is, so is your will. As your will is, so is your deed. As your deed is, so is your destiny.” Brihadaranyaka Upanishad IV. 4 .5.

All I know is that, even though a part of me is terrified of creating that Space, and allowing for that kind of self-absence, when I take that Leap of Faith, following the initial aftershocks, there is no denying the Peace, the Bliss, the Sweet Serenity that this kind of emptying-out brings. And in that Space I re-member that the void, the empty, the unknown, is not scary at all; that this kind of emptiness and absence triumphs over the traumatic emptiness that grows out of childhood wounds of significant loss.

In this Space there is deep healing and the kind of comfort & reassurance found in the unconditional loving arms of a mother rocking her frazzled and over tired baby to Sweet Peace, and Dreams: there’s no thing like it.

But, alas it takes time to convince the whole of me- and get the whole of me, on side. It is so compelling and tempting to slip back into unconsciousness, (into ignorance being bliss), especially when I run into old obstacles, like over-extending myself and not taking due rest- that is my Achilles’ heel. I can still inadvertently overwhelm myself by taking on way too much, emotionally and otherwise.

But I am learning and need to have a little more patience with myself- and  with The Process. As Garry Barlow sang, “My heart is numb has no feeling, so while I’m still healing, just try, and have a little Patience.”

I think my next blog will be on Patience and The Process; that is appreciating it and having due reverence toward it. I would love to develop the kind of Patience the Tao Te Ching, translated by Stephen Mitchell, pays homage to in the following text,

“The ancient Masters were profound and subtle.

There wisdom was unfathomable.

There is no way to describe it;

all we can describe is their appearance.

 

They were careful

as someone crossing an iced-over stream.

Alert as warriors in enemy territory.

Courteous as a guest.

Fluid as melting ice.

Shapable as a block of wood.

Receptive as a valley.

Clear as a glass of water.

 

Do you have the patience to wait

till you mud settles and the water is clear?

Can you remain unmoving

till the right action arises by itself?

 

The Master doesn’t seek fulfilment.

Not seeking, not expecting,

she is PRESENT, and can welcome all things.”

This is the kind of Patience I wish to cultivate, and then share with y’all here. Though, now I am In-tuiting from Divine Mind, as I write, that I must set my focus too on the sentiments of the following quote:

  “Success is a journey not a destination,”

I need to continue to harness and learn how to enjoy the Journey, in and of itself, that bit more, if only to ensure Presence does not get lost and RePlaced with living in the future of “when this or that gets better, THEN this or that will happen;” like happiness, fulfilment. Happiness is to be had Now, knowing how wonderfully Benevolent True Life actually Is. The reward is to be discovered Here and Now. The Joy is to be tasted Here and Now. Peace is to be experienced Here and Now. The time is Now.

Peace & Love,

Light…

Love Drives, Divine💜 ©

“Give your mind the spaces it needs and it will serve you tirelessly. “

Okay, so two weeks into Resolutions intention-ed for this year, and beyond, and today I ran into a wall, a wall that I did manage to get over- just about. The resolution of coming from Centre, is truly throwing up all that being off-centre had unconsciously and habitually tried to hide and mask.

On the level of Mind, I am realising that endeavouring to move through the day, and generally just live and be more centred, means releasing the need to get lost in thought patterns. I love my world of thoughts; it has been a great impassioned escape of mine- that includes broadening my mind, playing with ideas, entertaining myself, thinking whatever I like, learning as much as I can, etc. But this week I saw and felt more clearly and keenly that I have to get a bit of a hold on my thoughts and its more unhelpful patterns; just like the hold I have cultivated having on it during 6 years of consistent meditation. So I know I can do it, and that in itself is quite encouraging, however, it is hard not getting mindlessly lost in thought in the old way. There is a saying that goes, ‘be careful what you wish for; you might get it.’ Getting it requires a lot of adjustment, concentration and unlearning- a process that cannot be rushed: it has its own timing.

What I am re/learning to do as I am in the midst of life, is not to absent-mindlessly follow every thought: to not get too entangled up, and to generally be more careful about, the kind of thoughts I entertain, because they can truly take me off-track. All this has been a key realisation this week, as well as seeing, for myself, how allowing myself to run away with my thoughts has a direct impact on my ‘inner world of feelings.’ Being mindless in thought can contribute toward my emotions running riot, which makes my feelings go amidst, and in so doing, my inner peace and joy fades and gets replaced by ‘moodiness.’

My emotions, being a bit like a child, in a big department store, losing hold of her mother’s hand, and getting lost, and all the emotional upset that comes with that experience…with calm only being restored once mother and child  are united once more. This is  how the relationship  between my mind and emotion is, and the contentious dance of to-ing and fro-ing, as I attempt to herald more wholesome changes in. Indeed, as I am writing this I am reminded of this dream I get every so often, where I get lost and frantically try to get back from whence I came; back home onto familiar ground… So what I am learning this week is that my mind needs to be centred and that in itself is quite a discipline; but when my mind is more centred, the inside-out peace and joy that comes with it, and envelopes my existence, makes the struggle totally worth it.

Oftentimes it is much easier to control and interrupt thoughts than it is restoring calm in the emotional – especially once the cat has been let out of the proverbial bag; sometimes it has to be that way as part of life and its evolutionary process. And when the situation — whether it be in thought and/or external reality, triggers old stuff from one’s traumatic past, then restoring calm can take days. But for the likes of me, a day or two is a great improvement, because at the beginning of my recovery journey, when I had less insight, self-understanding & healing, peace being restored took a lot longer.

Anyway, this week for me the most triggering situation was at work, what with my being new in a Post- a Position that comes along with its more than fair share of pressures, and great expectations, which bears some resemblance to my childhood, where I felt very much thrown in at the deep end, and expected to know what I was doing, without being taught. And not only know what I am doing, but also not  make mistakes- if I didn’t want to get a cussing. And currently, not having food/obsession to dump my feelings in and comfort eat me, “there, there,” I am left with just experiencing: of being with and feeling feelings. “Yuck!” an archaic part of me who had grown accustomed to, sweeping feelings under carpet, bites very much back! Bless her little cotton socks (smiles).

Such familial experiences as these triggers the need to put back in place early conditioning reactive patterns, as ways of coping with ’emotional overwhelm,’and its associated mental pain. And as already mentioned, the escape used to be becoming obsessive in thought about various things, and trying to work it all out in my head. Overthinking about whether I am eating too much; worrying that I am eating the wrong stuff, in turn triggering that angst-filled mental state of feeling fat:’ of feeling fat and ugly; of feeling worthless, love-starved, and undeserving, especially of good things happening to and for me.

This is aspects of the cat that need to be let out of the bag, and bared, as part and parcel of maintaining a certain Centre, AND being grounded in my body- whatever its imagined weight; the wall I mentioned running into was all this, as well as not allowing myself, in Original Pain, to run up and off into my head. During childhood, living mostly up in my head was a much better place to be, than it was living on solid ground in a 70% pain-filled reality.

Holding that, initially, very difficult transformational space, and allowing myself to feel the pain and depth of those once perceived “totally threatening & unacceptable feelings,” is incredibly hard. Currently the emotional intensity has gone, though some of the feelings linger on. But like I said, the peace and joy and calm I know now that is sure to follow the struggle, I say again, is more than worth it. Coming from Centre is what I am, at this time, asking of my life, so I have to accept all that comes with it; it is that simple. There are no short cuts, whom ever is trying to sell it. I have to bring light into all the dark scary places in my life & in my heart, and find a way to love myself-irrespective, and feel my feelings without escape, but in trust and faith, knowing that the worse has already happened, AND that this situation, “…too shall pass.’

So, in a nutshell, what I have learned, remembered, and experientially felt ever so keenly this week, is firstly I need to give my Mind the spaces it needs so it may serve me tirelessly,  in all the ways I need: I have control of that. Secondly, I need to give my body back the lead, and learn how to trust it. I need to live in it, and love it, exactly as it is, remembering the Mind is there to serve the wisdom of the body, and together they make the sweet music of magicing miracles. And thirdly, that I need to let Love be in the driver’s seat of my life- not fear and its main squeeze, Anxiety. And in the passenger’s seat, as a result, will be Peace & Joy- with Truth, like petrol, meted out wisely. For a little bit of truth can go a very long way, therefore needs to be handled & shared with care, to avoid truth getting lost in hurt, leaving lessons still unlearned,  preventing our lives from taking that much needed turn; having history repeat on us, again…driving us insane..

Peace & Love,

Light…

Sold out make believe world….©

In life, from childhood we are sold on how important it is that we treat people in a good and respectful way. We are sold on how important lessons are and how far it can get us in life. We are sold how wonderful childhood is. We are sold on how fair and just the world is. Sometimes we are sold on how we have a voice and how important it is for us to use it- I say sometimes because some of us aren’t sold that- we are sold that we shouldn’t be “angry ” (that is passionate) as sometimes our being and expressing ourselves and our truth is deemed quite threatening. We are sold that if we are ‘model citizens’ we will reap the rewards. We are sold that if we ask for help it will be given; then we ask for help and they say you are not quite so destitute yet- and/or wait until the crime/wrong has been committed first! We are sold all manner of things, then go out in the world as adults realising what a load of crap all that was! We are not prepared for the crap- unless we have had a great big dollop of it via child abuse. This world and its institutions/ways of doing things is broken. But I keep keeping on, and I keep listening, instead, to that quiet voice within, moving through this world taking instructions from there, because that place/space is Real and True and has no ulterior motives and does not come from unconsciousness/darkness.

Sometimes you have to holler and call shit out! That’s me done…

Peace & Love,

Light…

 

 

Centre Of Being©

So, one of my resolutions this year is coming more from my centre of being. I do not make resolutions just for the New Year. From forever self- realisation has very much been a part of me and how I live. Being more centred, and related to that as I shared in my last blog on the theme of time, my relationship with time is also something I am determined to master, and if you like strive to make an art of. I am coming to believe that I am a natural born artist at heart. I have also always been driven to, and take immense pleasure in, making a fine art out of anything: to getting to the inherent beauty of a thing and releasing the unique fragrance it gives. I have always been driven to get to the heart of a thing and realise its natural inner beauty. I have never gotten bored of doing this; never gotten bored of ‘perfecting,’ and not in a neurotic way. The drive is more spiritual than ego.

Anyway, getting back to the topic of Centring, like my 6 year meditation practice, ‘coming back to’ Centre is an intention I have decided since 2019 to apply to my every day; to apply to each and every activity and movement I am engaged in. It is the same dance  of my sitting meditation, only meditation in movement- and much more than ‘mindfulness:’ Mindfulness came way before this. This Centring I am engaged in goes that bit deeper.

Thus far, this Centring Practice, if you like, has truly been an eye opener- a spiritual eye opener, and for a number of reasons. Firstly, because I am truly ready to take my spiritual/personal growth to that level, and as I am doing so, I am realising  how much my sitting  meditation has helped me: has helped me to know I can keep coming back repetitively like that. This makes me know, without doubt, that I can live in that more Centred way, and level of depth, AND that I know what I am doing. This in turns gives me a lot of confidence that strengthens and sharpens my focus and resolve. I am so loving this feeling of being more ‘inside-out’ unified, and in a more complete way than before.

Already it is making me feel more inner power & peace, and making me feel and believe I CAN DO ANYTHING; making me feel skilled in manifestation and self-mastery, which can only get better and better. This new development is making me feel that I can more fully embody and live under the tutelage of the following affirmation, one that has helped me out loads in the past:

“I am Beautiful, Peaceful, Confident and Powerful. “

I have been hiding my fire/light under a bushel for way too long. I want to fully live; I want to fully shine: actually,  it is not a want, it’s a NEED.

I am ready to shine and enjoy the experience of shining, rather than playing my light down & out. I want to release the fear that being myself in that more total way is dangerous  and will unwittingly bring to me another’s biting envy. In my life I have had more than my fair share of ‘back-biting’ from others.  At those times, for the life of me, I could not figure out, and/or see why me…Instead I rationalised there must be something wrong with me because it kept happening and all I was doing is being me….So, I am truly appreciating where I am finding myself at this moment in Eternal Time.

That is one side of this Centring experience; the other side is that it is blooming hard remaining Centred and continuously coming back to Centre as I move through my day and interact with people. The good thing about being more consciously and intentionally Centred, is that I can immediately feel when I am about to be pulled off-centre. And there are so many bloody triggers! The experience thus far can be very much likened to giving up the habit of smoking, then every moment realising the more psychological addictive side of it, and how dependent you were on it, as well as the myriad of ways cigarettes was used to emotional & self- regulate you, when shit got difficult!

My big triggers are in work, as well as working in the voluntary sector where employees can get easily pulled into working extra hard: working extra hard to keep the service in operation, on already insufficient funds. Working hard and around the 9-5 clock to ensure that the work is carried out to exceptionally high standards, ones that clearly statistically demonstrate, annually, that the much needed service is worthy of continued and further funding. In becoming more Centred I am releasing the  trauma- originating people pleaser part in me who feels the misplaced need to get work perfect and in so doing inadvertently run me rugged, just to make everyone happy, and feel appreciated. Now at work all I allow myself do is my very best, and definitely leave the rest. At this point in my life’s journey, I am more than happy to put another nail in the coffin of the ‘black superheroine complex.’

Then there’s the ‘commuting experience’ and releasing the temptation there to take others to task in so very many ways: loads of triggers there, especially underground. But I am determined not to give my power away there, and/or anywhere. I can see more clearly now that when I do, the satisfaction of taking people to task only last a second or two, but long-term, and daily, it all builds up and exhaust me. All these little and often emotional withdrawals adds up overtime. I’d rather keep my power now, and continue to enjoy this new discovery of increased personal power, by not allowing myself to be ‘drawn in’ and pulled off Centre.

I’m loving it, though in some situations it’s hard and takes immense resolve to not get caught up in negative interactions, which includes thought and emotion. Not forgetting to mention, the triggers in ‘home life,’ and in the many and varied roles in the world of domestics! But I say again, I am determined because I know the fruits of this labour is going to be more than worth it, what with the immediate feel- good benefits I am already experiencing- and the joyful anticipation of future miracles in the way of dreams more easily & swiftly making reality, within the Amazing Grace of Serendipity.

So 4 days in and I am strong and riding ready; and I Will keep on. I will also keep you all updated and informed: doing so helps to reinforce my (un)learning as well as keep me and my progress in good check. Also sharing my discoveries is a thing I absolutely enjoy doing, and feel I have been purposed on this Earth-Plane to do. I feel that I am purposed to share my experiences with others and to give those in need, much-needed hope. And it is my hope that by my doing so, that they in their struggles may draw some much needed inspiration to keep on keeping on and know that they and their lives are worth it, and worth the fight for, which reminds me of a quote,

“Don’t let the struggle become your identity.”

We are more than our struggles; so much more. And I absolutely don’t mind showing that Good News through the sharing of my own experiences- however risky and very difficult that at times feels.  The truth is we have been awesomely made and as such are spiritually enriched and equipped to make good of any and all life experiences. We all have that “Something Inside So Strong, that knows that we can make….” As the lyrics to Labi Siffre’s song reminds us. The greatest sin in this world is that we don’t know we have that Something inside, which reminds me of another quote that says words to the affects:

“To understand another human being we must first get to know and understand ourselves.”

This is the Highest and Greatest of All Education: Self-knowledge; hence the ancient adage, “KNOW THYSELF.” Hence why the corrupt powers that be work hard to keep imprisoned our minds. The mind is a terrible thing to waste…

I leave you with a final quote:

‘He said, “To be nobody but yourself in a world which is doing its best, night and day, to make you everybody else- means to fight the hardest battle which any human being can fight; never stop fighting.”‘ E.E. Cummings.

Peace & Love,

Light…