“Give your mind the spaces it needs and it will serve you tirelessly. “
Okay, so two weeks into Resolutions intention-ed for this year, and beyond, and today I ran into a wall, a wall that I did manage to get over- just about. The resolution of coming from Centre, is truly throwing up all that being off-centre had unconsciously and habitually tried to hide and mask.
On the level of Mind, I am realising that endeavouring to move through the day, and generally just live and be more centred, means releasing the need to get lost in thought patterns. I love my world of thoughts; it has been a great impassioned escape of mine- that includes broadening my mind, playing with ideas, entertaining myself, thinking whatever I like, learning as much as I can, etc. But this week I saw and felt more clearly and keenly that I have to get a bit of a hold on my thoughts and its more unhelpful patterns; just like the hold I have cultivated having on it during 6 years of consistent meditation. So I know I can do it, and that in itself is quite encouraging, however, it is hard not getting mindlessly lost in thought in the old way. There is a saying that goes, ‘be careful what you wish for; you might get it.’ Getting it requires a lot of adjustment, concentration and unlearning- a process that cannot be rushed: it has its own timing.
What I am re/learning to do as I am in the midst of life, is not to absent-mindlessly follow every thought: to not get too entangled up, and to generally be more careful about, the kind of thoughts I entertain, because they can truly take me off-track. All this has been a key realisation this week, as well as seeing, for myself, how allowing myself to run away with my thoughts has a direct impact on my ‘inner world of feelings.’ Being mindless in thought can contribute toward my emotions running riot, which makes my feelings go amidst, and in so doing, my inner peace and joy fades and gets replaced by ‘moodiness.’
My emotions, being a bit like a child, in a big department store, losing hold of her mother’s hand, and getting lost, and all the emotional upset that comes with that experience…with calm only being restored once mother and child are united once more. This is how the relationship between my mind and emotion is, and the contentious dance of to-ing and fro-ing, as I attempt to herald more wholesome changes in. Indeed, as I am writing this I am reminded of this dream I get every so often, where I get lost and frantically try to get back from whence I came; back home onto familiar ground… So what I am learning this week is that my mind needs to be centred and that in itself is quite a discipline; but when my mind is more centred, the inside-out peace and joy that comes with it, and envelopes my existence, makes the struggle totally worth it.
Oftentimes it is much easier to control and interrupt thoughts than it is restoring calm in the emotional – especially once the cat has been let out of the proverbial bag; sometimes it has to be that way as part of life and its evolutionary process. And when the situation — whether it be in thought and/or external reality, triggers old stuff from one’s traumatic past, then restoring calm can take days. But for the likes of me, a day or two is a great improvement, because at the beginning of my recovery journey, when I had less insight, self-understanding & healing, peace being restored took a lot longer.
Anyway, this week for me the most triggering situation was at work, what with my being new in a Post- a Position that comes along with its more than fair share of pressures, and great expectations, which bears some resemblance to my childhood, where I felt very much thrown in at the deep end, and expected to know what I was doing, without being taught. And not only know what I am doing, but also not make mistakes- if I didn’t want to get a cussing. And currently, not having food/obsession to dump my feelings in and comfort eat me, “there, there,” I am left with just experiencing: of being with and feeling feelings. “Yuck!” an archaic part of me who had grown accustomed to, sweeping feelings under carpet, bites very much back! Bless her little cotton socks (smiles).
Such familial experiences as these triggers the need to put back in place early conditioning reactive patterns, as ways of coping with ’emotional overwhelm,’and its associated mental pain. And as already mentioned, the escape used to be becoming obsessive in thought about various things, and trying to work it all out in my head. Overthinking about whether I am eating too much; worrying that I am eating the wrong stuff, in turn triggering that angst-filled mental state of feeling fat:’ of feeling fat and ugly; of feeling worthless, love-starved, and undeserving, especially of good things happening to and for me.
This is aspects of the cat that need to be let out of the bag, and bared, as part and parcel of maintaining a certain Centre, AND being grounded in my body- whatever its imagined weight; the wall I mentioned running into was all this, as well as not allowing myself, in Original Pain, to run up and off into my head. During childhood, living mostly up in my head was a much better place to be, than it was living on solid ground in a 70% pain-filled reality.
Holding that, initially, very difficult transformational space, and allowing myself to feel the pain and depth of those once perceived “totally threatening & unacceptable feelings,” is incredibly hard. Currently the emotional intensity has gone, though some of the feelings linger on. But like I said, the peace and joy and calm I know now that is sure to follow the struggle, I say again, is more than worth it. Coming from Centre is what I am, at this time, asking of my life, so I have to accept all that comes with it; it is that simple. There are no short cuts, whom ever is trying to sell it. I have to bring light into all the dark scary places in my life & in my heart, and find a way to love myself-irrespective, and feel my feelings without escape, but in trust and faith, knowing that the worse has already happened, AND that this situation, “…too shall pass.’
So, in a nutshell, what I have learned, remembered, and experientially felt ever so keenly this week, is firstly I need to give my Mind the spaces it needs so it may serve me tirelessly, in all the ways I need: I have control of that. Secondly, I need to give my body back the lead, and learn how to trust it. I need to live in it, and love it, exactly as it is, remembering the Mind is there to serve the wisdom of the body, and together they make the sweet music of magicing miracles. And thirdly, that I need to let Love be in the driver’s seat of my life- not fear and its main squeeze, Anxiety. And in the passenger’s seat, as a result, will be Peace & Joy- with Truth, like petrol, meted out wisely. For a little bit of truth can go a very long way, therefore needs to be handled & shared with care, to avoid truth getting lost in hurt, leaving lessons still unlearned, preventing our lives from taking that much needed turn; having history repeat on us, again…driving us insane..
Peace & Love,