BOOK ONE:THE BEGINNING OF ENDS
…Ronald continued not to change. He just couldn’t or wouldn’t commit, and even though someplace I knew it, I also couldn’t or wouldn’t see it, let alone deal with it head on. Somehow, I kept believing and working under the premise that if I tried harder and proved how much I loved him, that he would eventually love and commit to me in return; that he would finally see what a good, understanding, forgiving and caring person I was and had been; that he would finally SEE ME and love me and accept me the way I so desperately needed.
As I endeavoured to carry on with Ronald’s good efforts that never lasted long, I began to feel increasingly out of my depth, which was a feeling I hadn’t experienced before. In my life up to that point, it had become extremely important for me to feel that I had a certain degree of control over my feelings; my very (daily) survival seemed to depend on it. Now, with all that was going on between Ronald and I, my precarious well-being became threatened, which by the same token made everything begin to feel on the brink of becoming terribly out of control. This was terrifying to me.
My thought processes were beginning to break down. I couldn’t think things through as clearly as I once did, and solutions began to elude me. I feared that I was losing my mind, which had been my place of solace and comfort. At the time, I was also trying to maintain a level of resolve when it came to refraining from eating certain foods, namely one, two, three or four packets of crisps at a time, but more and more I would find myself comfort eating – binge and purging to numb the pain. I was washing the forbidden food all down and away with an ever-increasing number of laxatives in order to avoid putting weight on, lest I reveal myself as the needy, greedy, fat and undeserving person I secretly felt that I was. Every morning I’d wake up hating myself, especially when I thought about the physical harm that I was doing to my body by abusing it in this way.
Peace & Love,