BOOK ONE:THE BEGINNING OF ENDS
…It was good having college to not only take my mind off Ronald, but also give me something unknown and different to look forward to. The idea of meeting more new and interesting people truly excited me, as a lot, if not most, of my girlfriend relationships had seemed to have met a certain end. I had grown apart from them, and them, me. I was discovering and on another level felt like my life was just beginning.
The kind of life I most wanted, that is; the kind of chances that I was still adamant on creating for myself. Still, as the course’s start date approached, I had to work really hard against myself, to fight what seemed like an urge to self-sabotage. A feeling of fear was trying to make me do some kind of U-turn; trying to change my mind and make me late by putting so many obstacles in the way the morning of my starting the course, even though The Way was clear.
A great big anxiety began growing inside me; one which I didn’t quite understand, because at the same time I really wanted to start college; really wanted this something more and something ‘new.’ I didn’t understand at the time how much of a very big step going back into education was for me, and not only that, just how difficult it was also for me to go for what I wanted, and to feel entitled to it. What if I cannot keep up? I asked myself. What if I fail miserably? I wondered if I’d screw it all up, just like how, in spite of all my efforts, I had failed to create my ‘happily ever after’ family… What if… What if… What if…
These mostly unconscious thoughts and fears awakened old feelings of inadequacy, wrapped tightly in the belief that I didn’t deserve good things, and that good things are not for the likes of me. However, knowing that I’d have the individual therapy sessions to accompany and support me on the next leg of my journey comforted me greatly…
Peace & Love,