Back to Love..


…I don’t think he knew or realised that I only finally decided to be in a relationship with him after he had left his wife. If he hadn’t, I would have had to call it a day. I had already been there and done that in previous relationships prior to celibacy and Chris, and I couldn’t go back there again; that would have been like going backwards. Three-way relationships just didn’t work for me, not even the no strings attached, cheap thrill side of it. To me, someone always ends up getting hurt, and usually the one who comes in last is the first to go.

Sadly, it wasn’t until a little while afterward that I realised how much the break-up had impacted Jamie. We were having a conversation, and he said words to the effect of, ‘What’s the point in getting married? People just break up anyway. I’m never getting married.’ I guess the events of Chris and I, and the subsequent end of the relationship between the two of them, reawakened in Jamie old past wounds of loss; the loss experienced in the break up between his father and I and the end as we knew it of our little family.

Jamie still had a relationship with his father, who did take him out fairly regularly, albeit sporadically. However, it wasn’t an emotionally close and relaxed relationship any more, not like it had been with Chris. It was more an idealised one.

Jamie’s then thoughts about relationships made me feel bad, because in all of it, from the beginning of the Chris experience to the very end, I had forgotten, once again, to consider Jamie and his needs. Jamie’s somewhat despairing and pessimistic statement about relationships had sent a certain shudder through me, making me wander how in future these particular key experiences would go on to shape him, particularly in his own love life. The thought made me feel guilty, like a not-too-good, once again, blindsided, mummy…

Peace & Love,


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