Bitter (world) & Sweet (love)

I shared the following piece today (slightly more filled out here) in a safe private space I am a part of. I just thought I would share here too, as this blog site has come into being for this very purpose. Also, this piece further fleshes out my poem ‘Sweet’ posted here a few days ago. So, from my HeartSoul to yours, here we go…

Hi. Just to share…I am a counsellor. I’ve been a counsellor since 1991. I consider myself what has been coined a “wounded healer.” My own recovery Journey began in 1987, and I’ve been recovering- though to my mind more “discovering” and “unfolding,” ever since. I decided to become a Counsellor in 1987 when I experienced myself the benefits of counselling at that life changing time.

Anyway, that is just a background to what I want to share. So, over the past week I have been sharing here my ongoing struggle of relaxing, resting, and just simply being, over “doing” as those things are (still) very much needed in my life, especially at this time. I need more rest and relaxation because I “give out” a lot by nature, as well as in my work as a Counsellor, which I consider to be “Life’s work,” and do enjoy.

Over the last 3 days I have managed to pin down that this is a core issue for me, for good reason, and though I have made great headways over the years, there still is the fear of letting go of a certain control and the whole of what I consider hell to be breaking through and driving me crazy. There is a fear of allowing myself to let go and trust that all will be well- as I know, as adult, from past recovered experience, that when I have finally allowed myself to let go and just in the moment be, it always is. When I move away from that- from that rediscovery, it’s like I have to re- recover that inner knowing and sweet serenity all over again..

Sometimes its very slippery to keep that inner knowing in hand, like trying to keep in hand a wiggly fish fresh out of water fighting to get back in: that is how defence mechanisms can behave having been set up fundamentally to help us survive. I am understanding in this renewed discovery that I am currently struggling with letting go of CONTROL and more deeply reinstating TRUST; both remain challenges because of core wounds experienced in my childhood…

Eighteen years of childhood experiences of basic distrust and having had very little control over what took place in my then life from day to day. I still carry that world around inside..

Having gained more clarity these past 2 days- and being called, again, to heal those core issues at a deeper foundational level, I have been endeavouring to do just that, particularly focusing on removing all unfair judgements against myself, like fearing/feeling I am a failure and am failing my wellbeing and self by not just granting myself enough rest and relaxation, especially when I needed..

Instead, I am re-learning to more mindfully ALLOW RESTLESSNESS, ALLOW the NEED TO CONTROL, and ALLOW BASIC DISTRUST to just BE THERE. I am re-learning not to try So Hard to “fix,” but to understand and LET BE. And over these past 2 days I feel slightly , subtly more, at Peace and ok enough to just be and occupy the moment to moment. Doing/being so has actually felt like having a little girl sense/self close besides me; the one who struggled in this way for very good reason, as there was oftentimes, for 18 years, no adult around to give her life structure or meaning, let alone to put her to bed and kiss her worring forehead; let alone to keep her safe and warm from day to day- that was my job from what seems and feels like year dot. So that’s why I continue to struggle now, and I guess the current climate of coronavirus is adding its two pencies worth.

Sorry for the long post; just needed to concrete this experience and rediscovery by sharing. I also hope that sharing in this way may help someone here in their own recovery and self- rediscovery. I know from past successful experiences of having overcome great ’emotional regulate’ hurdle mountains, like giving up bulimia, that dismantling this current”difficult” is also possible. I just know with this one I have to give it all the space and time it needs because it’s huge. I need to honour that it needs space & time to neurologically & psychologically undo, and spiritually attune more completely to the person I am now and the good life I have created for myself. Thanks for listening….🧡🧡🧡

 

Peace & Love,

Light..💛

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