The Famished Old Haunt ©

In April 2018 I decided to set myself a challenge and in so doing put an old haunt to bed. It is hard knowing where to start as this topic is so huge for me. There has been a lot of unconsciousness around it being in origin a key coping mechanism that came into being from year dot, it would seem. The decision I made was to not emotionally eat: to release the need to. Like I said, not a straight forward need to release as it covers up a whole host of old unmet needs, some of which still lingers. So trying to unpick it here is going to take some doing, but needs must.

So let’s go back to the root. In my childhood I was not attended to emotionally; not by a single soul, if my memory serves me right. Much have been written and researched on this topic, especially with the human species being dependent for the longest, compared to other warm blooded mammals. To summarise, some of the development needs of the developing child is the need for security, stability, consistency, emotional support, love, education, positive role models, and structure.

As a child I had none of those needs adequately met, hence the hole that needed to be filled by ‘any means necessary,’ for the sake of survival. The human organism has to find ways to adapt to the many situations s/he can find themselves in,  even if that has to be by a process of maladjustment. From very young- primary school age, food and sweets attempted to fill that situation vacant parenting gap. This is the bare bones of it, and I am not blaming here- though I can. Just lying out clearly that certain reality the foundation of my psyche and physiologically was built upon. And when foundations aren’t sturdy and strong -however spectacularly looking, when shaken and/or stirred, at some point they can come tumbling down.

As a child I grew up quickly. I had to take on the role of “looking out for myself” because no one else was. I also had to look out for myself for the bare necessity of trying to bring some kind of order, peace and structure to my days, for the 18 years childhood term: that was quite clear. I remember being in primary school, unable to focus on learning, with my mind instead being totally taken with how to get money to eat; to buy some sweets, and buy myself more dolls, and doll’s clothes. Near where I lived there was this huge toy shop that I would spend many hours in; being there filled me with such joy.

These preoccupations truly helped me to survive, as well as to have something in my life, in my day, to look forward to. I also had to create my own entertainment: television filled a lot of that space, and is still very much an escape for me today.

Oftentimes there was no food at home; oftentimes there was the long wait to eat. I always felt hungry: hungry for food, hungry for love; never feeling full-enough when food was for that moment forthcoming. I was also unable to experience fully being at peace and ease, even when good moments came knocking. They never lasted for long, so I learned not to build any hopes upon them. It all became quite a pattern.

It was of no surprise, looking back, that I went on to develop an eating disorder at 13 years old; Bulimia. Dolls begun to do very little for me around that time, so I needed to find me something else to fill my time and to cope with this incredible painful feelings of utter neediness. I needed to externalise it all; unconsciously creating a behavioural problem, to act as a dustbin to dump all my angst in. And though Bulimia cost me in certain respects- as do all substitutes for love, attention, comfort and support, it also served me: it helped me to self-soothe and emotionally regulate, much needed for psychological survival.

As children we learn to do these important things, to self-soothe and emotional & self-regulate, by our parents and caregivers; in time internalising that nurturing and care afforded us, taking over in time our own self- regulation. In the absence of this humanisation, what gets internalised instead, is an inner pain-filled emptiness of nothingness. This is how it works.

When we miss out on this nurturing, we miss an important education in (inner) life and are set up to find other less desirable ways to emotional regulate, which then turns into a ‘self-medication.’  This can be observed at the extreme end within all addictions- alcohol, drugs, sex, eating disorders, bad relationships; and at the other more “socially accepted” end of being a workaholic, self-distracting busyness, and the constant striving to be and do bigger, better, best: all inner complexes that the world of advertisement and its father capitalism lives and breathes to feed.

I am no longer Bulimic, and have not been for over 30 years, but I would say that in my head, when stressed, my over preoccupation with food, eating and weight, still remained. When I am feeling emotional alone without the comforting presence of another soul, the need to comfort eat, peaks. I still do not feel I have that certain someone to turn to and get some of my emotional needs met. Outside of personal therapy, which has emotionally corrected a lot that had gone awry within my young life/me, in this regard, I still feel starved.

Maybe in learning to be with myself, with the full range of my angst when it presents, without distracting and escaping through preoccupation with food and being consumed with what & when I will eat, next, maybe I will find other things besides food and the same old, to help pick me up and have to look forward to..

To my mind, releasing the need to emotionally eat is a renewal of the commitment I made to myself in 1986. Now I am being called to a deeper self intimacy, which I do not take lightly, as on some days, and at certain times of the day, bearing these “difficult” “impossible” “needy” feeling states, that emotional eating used to help me escape, takes some doing; the sheer  intensity of those feeling! Sometimes it feels like I am in actual physical labour, deep in at the place where one experiences the greatest pain, just before the sweetest (bundle of) joy…

Still waiting, and trying to trust in the process, of having more lasting peace and joy reside inside me…

watch this space..

Peace & Love,





The Quest ©

The QUESTion is not what you do for a living but what you Live to do….I read this somewhere recently and I loved it. I have so many things I love/live to do and it is those things that drives me and gives my life purpose, meaning, peace and joy. Even when things go the ways I would not want, this idea and way of living and being makes everything ok- and sustains me. This perspective serves me well in the world and with all that is going pear shaped in it. I believe that there is a higher order and good and true things going on behind and beyond the scenes that our tiny little humans minds cannot gather- and to a certain extent that is how is should be: Good & Great is the Mystery. Just needed go share- sharing my insights and discoveries is one of the things I Live to do. More power to us all people.

Peace & Love,




Follow-Through ©

Integrity, a word and its meaning,

that has been lost to the world:

No Follow Through at any level.


Everyone saying what is expected, and right;

not enough people meaning what they’ve said,

but are expert at convincing themselves, otherwise.


An old sage once said that-

“An Integral being knows without going,

sees without looking,

and accomplishes without doing.” Lao Tzu.

Think about this people…


Follow Through.

It is not enough to mouth things and think that is it;

someone who has integrity can be counted on to be,

consistently, their One True Self-

no matter what circumstances they find themselves;

Integrity flows through.


I have yet to find that in romantic relationships,

and at the level of government, and schools-

and other key institutions where Integrity remains

consistently missing; yet, its civilians

are expected to model what it has not been given;



But I will all- ways be who I say I am;

I will always be congruent, because I love

the peace of mind that follows being and living true.


And my knowing without going and looking for external validation,

is as true today as it was yesterday and will be tomorrow.


My seeing without looking needs no further researching,

as all has been done and said in so many different ways.


And my accomplishing without doing

comes from being totally unified from inside

that I and my life just flows and shines.


My God and My Soul are One, and the I

that physically lives in the world, merely takes dictation,

from a well spring that is at heart benevolent,

and is at all times, Relevant.


There is at all times, a Reveal-a-tion that flows

so I may continue to grow, and be a living testimony  of Integrity,

living its most Precious Dreams, made Real-a-lity.


And Satisfaction? Absolutely guaranteed.

There is no other Self I’d rather be, than me.


Peace & Love,


Permission To Land ©

As I sit here and I am about to start writing this piece, my mind starts to play Mary J Blige’s, “I’m going down, I’m going down, because you ain’t around….”

What I am going to talk about here is a going Down that happens when I ain’t been around for myself; when I live upstairs in my head for too long. I love living and being up there and playing with ideas and working at my dreams, reading books, honing my craft of true-self development and my life’s work as a therapist helping to bring people back home to themselves. Bringing them back to loving and appreciating themselves and honouring who they truly are, outside of the good opinions of others. I love all that, I do. The problem is I can live up there way too much and to the extent that I get lost, and in the process lose a certain grounding in my body and a connect with myself on that level. I lose ground and a certain part of me gets down, because I ain’t around: I’m missing in thought.

And it can get so that I come to be way too far away from home, like the young person who has been absent outdoors way past the time she/he have been allowed, and now they are afraid to come home and face the consequence. That’s how it can get for me, and it does not help that historically and developmentally I was not taught to self-regulate and ‘wind down,’ as there were no reliable adults at home and around to provide that much needed and timely education and environmental support. No responsible adults sufficiently home within themselves, let alone at night times where in their company I could feel safe & protected enough to trust going into that nightly slumber. The world and night times came not to be safe enough places for me to relax and comfortably be with myself like that.

I know my current ongoing struggles in this area roots back there, but I need to address this area of difficulty as it is having a bearing. It is having a bearing on my well-being: its affects is spiralling. And I am not getting any younger and want to go out of this life experience with a great big blooming bang. I still have adventures I want to experience so I need my health, strength and vitality, and this fear and difficulty of coming down needs to dissolve. Not being able to relax and let go is taking a toll on my moods, my relationship with food, not to mention what goes on in the crazy-making world of menopausal.

In relation to my relationship with food, I am an emotional eater; a way of coping rooted in my past when food came to take on magical powers in my impressionable mind as a child. The magical power of giving my days focus, therefore helping me try to overlook the miserable turns my childhood lane took. The magical power of having something good to look forward to most mornings when I arrived back into a certain apathetic reality. The power of anaesthetising/magicking away painful troubled feelings whenever tasty food treats and I were in each other’s company. Oh I so loved my sweets! As a child I couldn’t quite get enough of it. I loved my sweets and my dolls so very much, more than I ever experienced at that time love in the company of another.

As an adult I also tend to want to emotional eat when I am tired and finding it ever so hard of an evening to wind down and take that much needed rest; becoming instead like a visibly tired child who feverishly fights sleep not wanting the day to end but stay up and see, ‘what else.’ Additionally, I tend to want to emotionally overeat when I have taken on too much and given out too much emotional energy. And to make it up to me, much like a busy mummy who tries to distract and pacify her child with sweets and all manner of things, when all her child needs is her company; like that busy mummy in place of giving that special time to myself I give that part of me delicious eat treats instead. Which means, to get on board and on top of this self emotional regulation trip, I need to simplify: I need to look at my load and make a concerted effort to unload all that, that can in all honesty, go.

I read on Facebook the other day the following quote:

” Stop the glorification of busy.”

Very true that.

Yes, bills needs to be paid, but equally, and I think of the utmost importance, lives needs to be lived, and to be lived, wherever possible, fully, as well as to one’s own satisfaction; well my life does anyway; it’s in my genes; I can’t shake it.

So if this piece speaks volumes to you, watch this blog space as I journey into this unknown place: the unknown place of ‘permission to land;’ to come on down, back home to base, to self. A state of ‘very simply being’ I have here and there had tastes of, and in those minuscule bites, came to know that there is actually nothing more deliciously nurturing & nourishing to mind, body, soul…

Peace & Love,


More ©

Today I decided to be more present with myself in regards to this ongoing struggle I am having with my eating. These past two and half years it has felt like my troubled relationship with food has returned. It has felt like that old hungering has taken up residence in my heart,and I cannot shake her, or get her to depart. And I don’t quite understand why she’ s here again, after all these years- 28 to be exact.

Back then I was struggling with out and out bulimia.But like I said, after some years of therapy, and happening on this recovery journey, I had thought I had put her to bed. So, why is she here now, seeming to turn my life upside down?

I’m really struggling with this question, hence the decision to write this particular blog, and in so doing hopefully keep track and come upon the reason why- why this old adversary threatens, again, and what’s “The More” I crave beyond the physical appetite side of desire.

Peace & Love,