Watch the crud -the “stuff,” the old past conditioning and its associated angst- come, and let it go…Similar to my meditation practice, this I will do with the discomfort that comes up as I choose the Happiness Track…and I will share that Process & Journey every so often here in this blog.
Change is a process so to get More Lasting Happiness in my life- the More Life/Light Christ and other enlightened humane beings came to show us The Way and offer us, I have to make that conscious effort, moment to moment, to watch the crud come and let it go, releasing the temptation, the old habit, of immediately trying to change it in some way. Of numbing it; disassociating from it; escaping the intensity & overwhelm of it. Just a standing still and letting the crud, like a tumultuous wave, wash over me. Letting that be whilst having Faith that I can withstand those intense emotional waves, knowing they won’t kill me, that is the Intention of the practice. Just like in the Gospel of Mark 4:35-41 when Christ, The Light, told the storm to be still and implored the disciples to have More Faith.
This week, on a scale of 1- 10, with 1 being running away from and disallowing the emotional crud wave washing over me, to 10 being perfect facing of it, allowing it and remaining Still & Knowing I can withstand this, I would say I am starting at a strong 6,/stable 7. That rising wave happened numerous times throughout the week and felt very difficult to bare, and caused a part of me to panic with what felt like the enormity of it all…(During the week an upsetting life event happened that also added its unpleasant two pennies worth; but that perhaps for another blog).
I noticed fear- terror even- and a dread in some of those moments, which is to be expected, I had to remind the perfectionist in me. I had to remind that part of me that for it was expecting me to just get this practice, this cultivation, this planting of the Lasting Happiness Seed, down to a tee, without experiencing difficulty! She crazy (lol)!
For myself an 8 would be the degree to which the fear and the dread have lessened, and in its place, More of a feeling of Equanimity: More of an Experiential Knowing and surety that there is truly nothing to fear, and that the worse has already happened...
That the thing that I fear most has already happened, that thing being the psychological self-annihilations experienced when I was little and undefended at that most vulnerable time in my early life. Oftentimes the heart of our fears lies in the file of “when I was little & totally vulnerable and dependent on big people.”
Like already mentioned, I will be sharing & tracking this Sparrow of MORE Lasting Happiness, from the inner-side-out, Journey here, to help & reinforce my own un/learning, and as always to help anyone here reading my blogs and who wishes to see and know what self-love looks, feels & breathes like.
With self-love the most difficult, mine currently being Lasting Happiness, in this time, can be made Possible. And given due Love & Light, the difficult Shadowy material transforms-back into- most beautiful.
Additionally, as Lao Tzu said,
The Journey of A Thousand Miles Begins With A Single Step…Watch this space for my book Back to Love which charts the beginning and unfolding of my Journey and story back to self-love.
Peace & Love